When I look back at this past year, I am slightly awestruck by all that has transgressed. Things that happened at the beginning of the year seem like forever ago. Just this morning, as I was looking back at photos from my March Unplugged in Ecuador retreat, I almost couldn’t believe it was in fact really from this year. This misperception of our reality is exactly the perplexity of time. It is forever moving and shifting. What happens in the present has already been manifesting from the past and though we are not yet in the future per se...
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This piece was started over 2 weeks ago. It was abandoned and rewritten multiple times, so forgive any time hop confusion. It simply took me many attempts to regain composure, soften my shame, and free my voice about this specific leg of my ED (eating disorder for those of you who aren't hip to the acronym) journey. This entry may not seem like such a big deal to you, but herein lies my utmost shame. My goal is to unite, practice self-love, spread compassion to everyone (and I mean everyone), help us remember that we are all human, we all experience things and thoughts that we don’t want anyone to know about or talk about. I am here to tell you, you are not alone and it is so going to be okay.
Okay, take a deep breath.
ere’s the deal. I have always wanted to be skinny. Always. Ever since I was a little girl, playing with Barbie dolls and watching countless hours of TV, I have yearned to be that skinny, beautiful, perfect, size nothing wearing, float away like a feather, everybody loves her, tiny girl. How that became my goal over being a Neurosurgeon or Veterinarian or, hell, how about, Professional Love Crusader, is what I believe to be a product of too many societal norms, "gendering", and my own lack of self-worth due to aggressive bullying and other circumstances outside of my control, but that is a conversation for another time. The fact is, I had never (sometimes have never, because I'm human and will always be remembering the good) thought I was aesthetically attractive enough. That is the honest truth. This is the kind of longing only some of you will understand. It’s a feeling that couples with painful, hurtful, unloving thoughts. "Why can’t I look like her. Why can’t my body be different. Why do I look like this and she looks like that. I hope I never look like that!"
Read MoreMy heart goes out to you if you are in pain. I shed my fair share of tears yesterday and I am sure there are more to come.
My prayer is that all of the people who are suffering experience some ease in their pain. I am not referring to just the victims of violence, but to all people who are suffering. I am praying for everyone, including the people who are doing acts of violence because in order for our society to move in a positive direction, these people need forgiveness and they need recognition of their own pain. We cannot banish them to Mars, hurt them, or lock them all up, so there needs to be another way.
So, I’ve really been wanting to take my clothes off lately. In my house, in my backyard, in other people's backyards, at the beach, and during yoga, to name a few. “She is cray”, you might be saying to yourself or to your BFF, or to your dog, and though you may be totally correct in assuming so, that doesn’t make me want to take my clothes off any less. Hear me out.
Since I can remember, I have hidden my body. Really. I keep what’s hidden under clothes locked away tightly for not a soul to see. In fact, I am such a mcguyver of skin coverage, that it wasn’t until last year that ANYONE (including my ex-boyfriend and roommate of 5 years) saw me naked. You heard that right, my boyfriend of 5 years was not allotted the pleasure and love of experiencing his girlfriend in her full frontal truth. Like I said, Cover-That-Shit-Up-Master in the house.
A couple of days ago I got some really bad news. Some painful, cringe-worthy, gut wrenching, truly terrible news. I thought I was going to lose someone I loved. I went into a tailspin of emotion. I literally collapsed on my bathroom floor wailing. I remembered this feeling. I’ve been on the bathroom floor before. Wailing. Crying out in pain. Asking God why. I have to write about it because it’s real and I am not afraid to go there, into the darkness of the cycle of life that we ALL share and accept it because I know that’s how healing happens.
Why am I even sharing my secrets right now? Because. Growth, people! Growth :)
“You cannot get to happy over there if you’re unhappy over here. Unhappy over here will have your attention. Unhappy has a vibration and if you are offering an unhappy vibration, you will bring in an unhappy vibration." -Esther Hicks.
Dude, what?
A Really a big shift is happening inside me. I think I am starting to really let go. I think I am starting to really trust. I feel a flow through me. A beautiful river of loving, heart centered choices. If you take my yoga classes you have most likely heard my new favorite phrase a few.... million times.
Heart. Centered. Choices.
This has become everything to me and I am leading my days with buckets of heart centered choices right now. Let me explain...
Story time!
I recently did a podcast with my good friend, RD and Intuitive Eating Coach, Jessi Haggarty. In this episode we discuss...
• How I experienced weight stigma as a child, and how that set me on a path to disordered eating.
• How I found dance and yoga in a dark and sad time in my life and how it made me feel both connected and disconnected to my body at the same time.
• How I was suffering from anorexia for months, and simultaneously being praised by colleagues and friends on my “dedication”.
• How I worked with an eating disorder therapist and dietitian to help me recover.
• How I found freedom in loving my body as it is in the moment, every moment.
Read MoreThis is a reminder to myself that the voice in my head, telling me that i’m looking a little “big,” or that my clothes don’t look right on my body, or that I need to “fix” any part of my body, is not me, but actually an imaginary, total bitch that I need to name and claim as such. Let’s call her Cruella McBwordAwordStupidDooDooFaceMagee. Excuse my French. CMA for short.
Sometimes (okay pretty much everyday) I wake up and the first thing I do, even before opening my eyes, is put my hands on my stomach to see if, overnight, it has gotten bigger or (fingers crossed) smaller! My day begins with the presumption that I have somehow gained weight overnight from eating too much or from, well, just being alive and if I have in fact, become larger during the past 8 hours, it will impact the rest of my life for-ever, I will die alone, unsuccessful, and everyone will judge me. Here are the following steps to unravel this not so loving mental conditioning I created as a 10 year old girl that I have compassionately cultivated and revised as a 31 year old WOMAN. Yes, I am a woman now. Hear me roar.
I will never forget being the fattest kid in Jazz class. I wasn’t a huge kid. I was just, well, big enough. If you can remember the main character from the movie, Little Miss Sunshine, specifically when she stands in front of a full length mirror at the beauty pageant (vomit) with her cute tummy protruding out and her adorable puffy cheeks, the point in the movie where she realizes she is "different" from the others, just pack on about 25lbs and that was basically me. I didn’t have a grandpa coaching me to strip , but I certainly had the same, if not more, chutzba, sass skills, and pelvic thrusting ability.
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